Deliver Us (2024)

"...From This?"

A group of Zoroastrians are slaughtered and skinned so that the intricate tattoos that foretell of the coming of both the Messiah and the Antichrist can be preserved. Meanwhile, in a remote Russian convent a statue of Mary weeps while a nun develops bloody stigmata.

It's barely got started and DELIVER US is already doing well in the 'no idea what's going on but this looks entertaining' stakes. Things get even better when we learn that the nun we saw is pregnant with twins who she claims talk to her and say they are the promised Messiah and Antichrist. Television broadcasts are issuing news bulletins about an impending solar eclipse and there is the suggestion that disease is spreading across the world. Can DELIVER US maintain this frenzied level of Eurotrashtastic fun?

Unfortunately, no it can't. (Booooo!)

Discount store Jared Leto-style hipster Catholic priest Father Fox (co-writer, co-producer, co-director and star Lee Roy Kunz, from which we shall infer nothing just yet) is despatched to the convent to find out what's going on. There he meets Cardinal Russo (Alexander Siddig who is the best thing in this but that's not hard) and one-eyed, leather apron-wearing pistol-packing Father Saul (Thomas Kretschmann) who turns out to be a villain. Yes that's right. Who would have guessed? 

Our two heroes have to save the nun from Father Saul. She gives birth on a train. They all hole up in a remote part of Estonia. The film gets slower. Father Fox's pregnant girlfriend turns up and says they are problems with the oil company she runs. The film gets slower. And sillier. And slower. Every now and then there are dream sequences to give the film a bit of a boost. It doesn't work. Eventually the film sputters to a halt by which time all the goodwill DELIVER US will have engendered amongst fans of this sort of thing in its opening act has been well and truly exhausted by some incredibly poor pacing. Oh, and a lot of the dialogue is so mumbled even the subtitling machine couldn't work out what was being said, but some of the poor thing's attempts were more entertaining than the action onscreen, so if you do end up watching this one try it for yourself. In fact I can already see the bad film fans itching to rent this one. In the meantime here's the trailer:

DELIVER US is out on Digital from Altitude Films on Monday 19th February 2024