Nightmare at Noon (1988)

Arrow's latest Blu-ray release from the Nico Mastorakis back catalogue is NIGHTMARE AT NOON, a film that encapsulates many of the elements designed to appealed to the home video rental generation back in the day.

Evil albino Brion James discharges a canister of green liquid into the water supply of the small Utah town of Canyonlands using his swooshy gun. A beardy farmer pulls up in his truck while this is going on and is despatched by Brion's gang using the usual 1980s stealth method of multiple hails of machine gun bullets. For one farmer. 

The next day. An annoying lawyer who doesn't like soggy croissants (Wings Hauser) and his wife who survived FRIDAY THE 13TH THE FINAL CHAPTER (Kimberly Beck) pick up Bo Hopkins, Hauser's co-star from John Bud Cardos' 1984 MUTANT which this film resembles albeit in an inferior way. Scarcely are they in town than a different beardy farmer in dungarees goes mad and suddenly develops the ability to deliver kung fu kicks and become a stunt car driver, a skill he demonstrates by stealing the sheriff's car and running over a lady in curlers who swears a lot.

By the time our heroes, including George Kennedy, have worked out 'it's the water', enough cars have exploded to keep a young Michael Bay glued to the screen and with good reason because in a bit it's going to be helicopters as well.

NIGHTMARE AT NOON could never be described as being particularly good, but it boasts some superb Utah location work and it is a lot of fun, especially if you're of the generation who might have had a wild time with this one at a festival or just used it to cheer up a rainy Saturday afternoon. It's silly but the action never stops, and we even get a score from frequent Mastorakis collaborators Stanley Myers (HOUSE OF WHIPCORD and THE DEER HUNTER) and Hans Zimmer (you know his stuff or you wouldn't be here).

Arrow's extras include The Films of Nico Mastorakis Part III, in which the director himself provides voiceover narration to the making of the film in this 33 minute piece. You also get another 49 minutes of behind the scenes footage as well as a total of 50 minutes of interviews with Hauser, Kennedy, Hopkins, Beck, Kennedy and James all filmed at the time of shooting, as well as a trailer and an image gallery accompanied by 12 minutes of the score. 

Nico Mastorakis' NIGHTMARE AT NOON is out on Blu-ray from Arrow Films on Monday 5th December 2022

Blood Tide (1982)

There are virgin sacrifices and an ancient sea monster in Arrow's latest Blu-ray release in its Nico Mastorakis collection. He didn't direct BLOOD TIDE (Richard Jefferies gets the honours) but he did co-write and co-produce.

Neil (Martin Kove from THE KARATE KID) and his wife Sherry (Mary Louise Weller) are searching for Neil's sister Madeline (Deborah Shelton, who gets an 'Introducing' credit here despite having already appeared in 1977 Greek sleazefest DANGEROUS CARGO before appearing in a lot of US TV including 63 episodes of Dallas).

They arrive on a remote Greek island that was Madeline's last known whereabouts. Jose Ferrer tries to make them leave. James Earl Jones is grumpy too, but that's because he wants all the underwater treasure he's busy looting for himself. He blows up the entrance to a cave, releasing an ancient demon that demands virgin sacrifices but seems to be happy to make do with anyone female.

There's the kernel of a good idea in BLOOD TIDE, plus some decent shots, great locations and a good cast, but sadly overall the film never really gets going.  What it really needed was taking to pieces back in the editing room, followed by complete reassembly and a new score and it might have been halfway decent. In fact in these times of coronavirus with so many doing jigsaw puzzles to pass the isolation time here's one film that really could have done with a 'do your own edit' feature. Maybe competitions could have been run for who could come up with the best version. All this and more will no doubt be going through your mind as the film runs through its regular cycle of something slightly interesting happening on screen, followed by nothing at all for several minutes. 

Arrow's Blu-ray comes with a commentary track from director Jefferies and a thirty minute interview with Mastorakis who is his usual ebullient self. You also get a couple of trailers, a reversible sleeve and the first pressing contains notes by Michael Gingold.

BLOOD TIDE is out on Blu-ray from Arrow on Monday 25th May 2020

The Wind (1986)

     Arrow continues its bid to release more films by Greek exploitationeer Nico Mastorakis than any other UK disc label as Meg Foster is troubled by THE WIND.

Let's start with the original poster art up there, which graced many a full page magazine ad back in the 1980s when the film was released on VHS and quite rightly, as it's pretty much the best thing about the film. Arrow's new release comes with some lovely Graham Humphreys cover art as well, which looks like this:

So what's the film about? Well, if I said 'very little' would that be unfair? Thriller writer Sian Anderson (Foster) enjoys the lavish lifestyle we know all writers do. She jets off from her posh pad in Los Angeles to a remote Greek island to finish her latest epic (again as we also know all writers do). Once there she ends up being chased by mad Wings Hauser around and around and around until she isn't (this tends not to happen to writers, not even really really good ones).

The great thing about THE WIND is its location, which is so good you almost expect Foster to find herself lost in a Bava-esque dream fantasy amidst rustic back alleys and perhaps even meet Telly Savalas in his native land. 

But no. 

The problems with THE WIND are many. Director Mastorakis seems to have had problems handling his stellar cast, whose performances here are either turned up to 11 from the beginning (Hauser), never get above mildly lukewarm (Foster and Steve Railsback) or just do not care (Robert Morley who gets to wave his stick around). 

The plot is virtually non-existent to the point where you begin to wonder if the reels have even been put on the disc in the right order. How many times is Meg Foster going to open and close those windows and shutters? Why is Steve Railsback suddenly halfway up a wall? Why does Wings Hauser keep a half-used toilet roll by his telephone? Is he worried the wind may catch him unawares and turn out to be something else? Top this all off with a comedy policeman (at least I really, really hope he was meant to be the comic relief) and THE WIND threatens to become something bad film clubs might add to their programme.

Extras were not provided for review but apparently you get the complete soundtrack composed by Stanley Myers and Hans Zimmer. Oh yes imagine that  - the composer of HOUSE OF WHIPCORD (and THE DEER HUNTER) and INTERSTELLAR together! In Greece! There's also an interview with the director and a collection of Nico Mastorakis trailers. The first pressing of the disc comes with new writing on the film from Kat Ellinger which will doubtless treat the film with more reverence and respect than this review does.

Nico Mastorakis' THE WIND is out on Blu-ray from Arrow Films on Monday 13th April 2020

Hired to Kill (1990)

Nico Mastorakis’ ‘action thriller’, and a film most will probably have never heard of, gets a dual format Blu-ray and DVD release courtesy of Arrow Films. THE ZERO BOYS it isn’t, nor is it ISLAND OF DEATH (both already on the Arrow label) and we should be grateful for that.

Romance!

Or should we? Whereas ISLAND turned the sleaze factor up to eleven, and ZERO turned the suspense and action factors down to about that level by the end, HIRED TO KILL is a different world of silly altogether.

Brian Thompson (a recognisable heavy from numerous television shows like BUFFY and X FILES) is our mercenary hero, employed by orange juice-sipping George Kennedy to rescue The Brother, (Jose Ferrer, who’s in this for about 30 seconds and therefore presumably doesn’t deserve an actual name), deposed leader of a tiny made-up country from the prison where he has been incarcerated by evil, despotic, drunk and heavily moustached Oliver Reed.

Action!

To achieve this not inconsiderable task, George assures Brian that the only way it can be done is for big muscly Brian to pose as a fashion designer and take six models along with him who are actually deadly assassins. Oh, and he’s going to have to train them himself. Cue a round-the-world recruitment montage followed by the only training montage ever to consist of military tactics, makeup application, assault courses, catwalk posing, all topped off by the girls machine-gunning giant cardboard cut-outs of Oliver Reed in full military regalia. I don’t think we ever actually leave Nico Mastorakis’ house for any of this, by the way.

Brian!

With this sort of setup, HIRED TO KILL is actually disappointingly low on action, or decent action at least. But is IS immensely entertaining. As well as everything above we witness the sight of Brian seducing Oliver Reed with a great big onscreen kiss, some impressive (and beautiful) Greek locations, and a storyline that will have you scratching your head a bit as the story nears its end.

More romance!

Arrow’s transfer looks far too good for a load of (entertaining) old rubbish like this, but if you’re a fan of HIRED TO KILL you’re going to love it. Extras include two twenty minute interviews - one with star Brian Thompson and another with Nico Mastorakis where he talks about the cast and the difficulties he had working with poor old Oliver Reed (it was one of the last films the mighty British actor made and he does look terribly rough). There’s also a commentary track with editor Barry Zetlin, which is more of a career overview than specific to the film. 

HIRED TO KILL -Nico Mastorakis' attempt at the action genre - is out on DVD and Blu-ray in a dual format edition from Arrow on Monday 16th May

The Zero Boys (1986)

"It's not their IQ…probably"

From the man who gave us one of the most staggeringly tasteless exploitation films of the 1970s comes a film that encapsulates so many daft things about the exploitation cinema of the 1980s, all polished up for Blu-ray release by Arrow Films.

The zero boys of the title are a group of paintballers. Scarcely has a picture of Sylvester Stallone in RAMBO been pinned to a wall in some kind of bizarre homage (?) than we’re plunged into the gang’s latest game against a group of similarly eccentrically dressed, bandana-sporting, gurning / glowering ‘teenagers’. The prize appears to be Kelli Maroney (don’t they even get a certificate or some kind of trophy?). Off they drive into the countryside with her and some other girls. Happening across an empty but furnished house in the country, they decide to move in (?). As the sun sets it becomes apparent that the owners are around and intent on hunting the zeroes for sport.

THE ZERO BOYS isn’t terribly good, and that’s a shame because the paintball antics that open the film actually show promise, and suggest we’re going to be in for an action-packed extravaganza. It all fizzles out horribly quickly though, and by halfway through you’ll be wondering when anything is actually going to happen. If you stick it till the final credits be prepared to be flabbergasted by an ending that smacks strongly of ‘we ran out of money at exactly this point and had to switch off the camera’. Those familiar with the director’s earlier goat-molesting cavalcade of sleaze and deviant behaviour ISLAND OF DEATH (1976) will be relieved / disappointed to learn that there’s absolutely nothing here you couldn’t show to an elderly relative with a very low threshold for boring nonsense. Oh, and how on earth did this one end up with a music score by Stanley HOUSE OF WHIPCORD & THE DEER HUNTER Myers and Hans Zimmer? Fans of either composer take note: it sounds very much like Hans did most of it but there's some very Pete Walker-sounding stuff towards the end. 

Arrow’s dual format DVD and Blu-ray set contains a load of extras, including a Kelli Maroney commentary track, new interviews with both Maroney and co-star Nicole Rio, stills, a trailer, and a barking mad bit in which Nico Mastorakis interviews himself. I have to hand it to him - he really goes the extra mile to make this bizarre little featurette as eccentric as his movies.

Going out with an 18 certificate (although it could easily be a 15 or even a 12A), THE ZERO BOYS is one for 1980s completists. Anyone else should approach with caution and with one finger on the fast forward button. 

Nico Mastorakis' THE ZERO BOYS is coming out from Arrow Films in a dual format Blu-ray and DVD set on 25th April 2016