The Monster aka I Don't Want to be Born (1975)

"In Which the Arse End of the Golden Age of British Horror Cinema Is Well & Truly Thrust in Our Faces"

So it has come to this. Network are releasing, in a fairly decent transfer on Blu-ray, I DON'T WANT TO BE BORN (as those of us of a certain age all know it from 1980s TV broadcasts). It's the film frequently, if not exactly affectionately, referred to by fans as 'that one with Joan Collins and the dwarf' and the only film to date to result in a baby winning the Best Actor award at a major fantastic film festival (either Sitges or Avoriaz - I can't remember which).

Joan and her massive prop baby

A startlingly awful car crash of a British horror movie also known as THE DEVIL WITHIN HER in the US, THE MONSTER on this print at least, and SHARON'S BABY somewhere in the world where no-one told the person retitling it that there was no Sharon in the film, I DON'T WANT TO BE BORN is probably the only chance you’ll get to see what might happen if a bunch of 1970s BritHorror actors were to be cast into an Italian demonic possession movie that tried to rip off THE OMEN before it had even been released (which is probably partly why it doesn’t bear much resemblance to it.). Part of the reason is that this was a British-Italian coproduction, with Rank really not knowing what it was getting itself into doing a deal with Italian producer Nato de Angeles who also came up with the original story, which is presumably why some of the characters are Italian.

Not a scene from RENTAGHOST

And ‘original’ is certainly being kind to the string of events we get to see. Attempting some sort of chronological order (there are quite a few flashbacks) Joan Collins is a stripper called Lucy (and NOT Sharon) who gets cursed by a dwarf whose advances she spurns. Before you can say ‘that’s a bit tasteless even for 1975’ she’s giving birth unconvincingly in the presence of children’s TV star Floella Benjamin and Donald Pleasance, looking as if he wishes he could be anywhere else but in this film with every single line of dialogue he utters. “This one doesn’t want to be born” says Donald as Ron Grainer’s 'everything that was sleazy about the mid-1970s' theme music kicks in to herald the main titles. 

Reaction of the British cinemagoing public of 1975

Lucy is married to Gino Carlesi (Ralph Bates sporting an unconvincing Italian accent). Gino’s sister is a nun and seems to spend all day at a convent where she has a laboratory where she can carry out animal experimentation. This has absolutely nothing to do with the film and one can only presume there was some animal research facility going free that day in which to film a few scenes. Eileen Atkins plays the role as…well…someone in an Italian horror film, which is the note everyone seems to take. Perhaps director Peter Sasdy (that’s Peter Sasdy – HANDS OF THE RIPPER and THE STONE TAPE Peter Sasdy) got them all to watch a badly dubbed Bruno Mattei picture and said “You see? THAT’S what I want.” 

A Best Actor Award winner...somewhere

Joan’s baby possesses such superhuman strength that when it isn’t happy gurgling in its pram it’s whacking babysitter Janet Key over the head, cutting off Donald Pleasance’s head with a shovel (you can almost feel the relief ebbing through the screen as he realises he’s finally off the picture) and murdering his way through most of the cast. It all ends very stupidly indeed with an exorcism scene intercut with a slow motion dwarf death at the strip club. Say what you like but I don’t think there has been an ending like this before or since in cinema history. Before that we are treated to the Italian horror standbys of obvious dubbing (Caroline Munro and John Steiner), gratuitous and unnecessary nudity and a totally bizarre and out of left field dream sequence featuring Joan being threatened by a bloodstained John Steiner and Ralph Bates dressed up as a dead nun.

Lovely wallpaper

So now you know if you want to see this but do you want Network's Blu-ray? Well the transfer is probably as good as this rather grotty film is ever going to look. Extras kick off with a commentary which is okay if you don't know anything about this period of cinema but if you're at all familiar with it you can sit this one out, otherwise you'll soon be shouting at the screen to prompt the commentators as they struggle to remember certain facts. 

Lovely acting

There's a new half an hour interview with Peter Sasdy as well as interviews with editor Keith Palmer and continuity legend Renee Glynne as well as alternate credits with the 'proper' title, trailer and image gallery. Finally you also get a booklet by Adrian Smith. 

There has never been a film quite like this. Made completely straight faced it turned out to be the very epitome of Bad Film as entertainment. And now it's on Blu-ray. Treat yourself. 

Peter Sasdy's THE MONSTER / I DON'T WANT TO BE BORN is out on Blu-ray from Network on Monday 11th October 2021

The Bloodstained Bulletin No.1

Many years ago I used to write a column entitled The Bloodstained Balcony, so named because I always used to buy a ticket to sit up on the balcony at the old Coliseum Cinema in Abergavenny when I was little. There's so much happening in the world of weird cinema at the moment I thought the best way to cover some of it would be in the form of a regular online summary / column / magazine type thing instead of just formal reviews. So here's the first, with the title adjusted accordingly. Will there be a second? That'll be up to me (and the world of horror and the weird and etc etc etc). But never mind that - here's what I've been watching over the last week or so:

On the Big Screen

The Meg

        Oh dear oh dear. I so wanted this to be good, and it wasn't. Then I so wanted this to be bad, and it wasn't that either. Because, I am sorry to report, THE MEG is just bland. As in Stephen Sommers directing an episode of NCIS bland. In some films I can see the acting, in some I can see the directing. In THE MEG all I could see were the committee meetings between the film's Chinese and American co-financiers and the screenwriters. One of them probably went a bit like this:

Money People: There must be no inter-racial kissing. No gory violence. No swearing. 

Writers: (Crossing out a lot of Jason Statham's dialogue) Er...ok.

Money People. Right, now, we've got a fat guy - can we make him quirky yet capable? And that girl with the tattoos, we need to make her quirky but capable too. And make sure the cast is multi ethnic to cover all the demographics, but they all need to be quirky and capable. Oh, and witty as well, especially in the face of seeing their friends all dead. They absolutely should not be mortified at seeing someone they've worked with for some time dead and chewed up by the monster shark. Including the little girl. She should act more maturely than any of them. Because kids like that are fun and appealing. We think.

Writers: Er, actually we're not up to writing different kinds of quirky dialogue for that many different characters.

Money People: So make them all the same! No-one will notice. Oh, and by the way, have you found out what side the liver is on in a human yet?

Writers: Er...no. But we promise we will.

Well it turns out they didn't, and the poor old glamorous submarine pilot gets a screwdriver in her left loin that according to the script, narrowly misses an organ that normally resides on the other side of the body.

Speechless

What else? Well there's Jason Statham, of course, who is set up at the beginning of the picture to be some kind of Captain Ahab character. You hope instead of a Great White Whale he's going to keep ranting about 'That Fuckin' Massive Fuck Off Shark' but it quickly turns out that THE MEG is all far too family friendly for that. And that's the biggest problem with it. It should be PIRANHA 3D with a shark but instead it...isn't.

But what do I know? THE MEG did terrific business on its opening weekend. However, if you're looking for something that isn't the cinematic equivalent of a bowl of rice with nothing else added then beware. 

So what else is on at UK cinemas at the moment? Oh, there's this of course:

Unfriended: Dark Web

        Did we need another of these? Well, UNFRIENDED and FRIEND REQUEST were actually both pretty good supernatural revenge horrors that made good use of modern social media. DARK WEB uses the same setup as the original UNFRIENDED (the cinema screen is a computer screen) but turns out ultimately to be far less ambitious and far less believable. 
        Going the old torture porn route but without the gore, which would at least have given this one a bit of a punch, you don't need to worry too much about catching up with this one unless you're a completist. Too much of the ending can be guessed by the end of the first act. Also, our cinema did us the extra dirty of screening this 1.85:1 aspect ratio movie in 2.35:1 (thanks Showcase!). Reimbursements occurred at the end.

Okay, onto the first of the regular features. The title may not be permanent but right now it's time for:

Compost Corner

        In which I revisit (or recycle for the purposes of a truly terrible joke that's a tip of the hat to TISWAS) some old classic movies. Sometimes I'm going to need quotation marks around the word classic but this time I don't. Because today I'm asking:

THE HOWLING - Which steelbook to buy?

        I love steelbooks & I've been steadily collecting them for movies I have particular affection for. So when I learned that Shout Factory was bringing out a steelbook of their Region A Blu-ray of Joe Dante's THE HOWLING I was sorely tempted. Here's what it looks like:

        But I already had the standard issue Scream Factory disc. What I didn't own, though, was the Region B Studio Canal release, apparently taken from a different scan. I thought it unlikely there was a steelbook of the UK version but goodness me I was wrong! Here it is:

        So which is the one to own if you're thinking of forking out? Well, the UK Blu-Ray actually looks a little better in terms of transfer than than the US. Colours are fuller, more vivid and the film looks more vibrant on the whole. As for the extras, here's what you get with each disc:

Shout Factory Region A

Audio Commentary With Director Joe Dante And Actors Dee Wallace, Christopher Stone and Robert Picardo

Audio Commentary with Author Gary Brandner 

Howlings Eternal with Producer Steven A. Lane

Cut to Shreds with Editor Mark Goldblatt

Interview with Co-writer Terence Winkless

Horror’s Hallowed Grounds: A Look at the Film’s Locations

Making Of A Monster Movie: Inside The Howling Documentary

Interview with Stop-Motion Animator David Allen

Unleashing the Beast: The Making Of The Howling Multi-part Documentary

Deleted Scenes 

Outtakes

Photo Gallery

Theatrical Trailers

Studio Canal Region B

Howlings Eternal with Producer Steven A. Lane

Cut to Shreds with Editor Mark Goldblatt

Interview with Co-writer Terence Winkless

Horror’s Hallowed Grounds: A Look at the Film’s Locations

Interview with Stop-Motion Animator David Allen

Audio Commentary with Author Gary Brandner

So there you go - far more extras on the US region A release (no surprise there) but a slightly better transfer and, I think, a nicer-looking steelbook for the UK release. 

Ok, that's enough of the good stuff. It's time to visit:

The Shit Shed

How could I possibly write a column / magazine type thing without profiling some complete rubbish? This time it's this, which is on sale in HMV at the moment and (probably) isn't worth your time. But then again, depending on your tastes, maybe it is... This week the film squatting in the Shit Shed is:

The Institute

"Franco, the second of his name"

After Jess, that is. Here's a load of pervy old nonsense co-directed by James Franco, he of last year's rather splendid THE DISASTER ARTIST. Here, though, he seems to be trying to make his own terrible film.

Or is he...?

It starts off like this...

THE INSTITUTE is purportedly 'based on real events'. Which it isn't. What it is is a film that exploits a situation that actually took place (a hospital for the treatment of women suffering from 'psychiatric conditions' actually being a front for human trafficking) and uses it as an excuse for a bit of good old fashioned murder and mayhem spiced up with nudity. 

..but then goes all like this! 

Not that you would expect it from the first thirty minutes or so. Perhaps Mr Franco (James) grew up in a household where his mum watched the opening half an hour of a film to 'make sure it was suitable' before going to bed. It certainly seems as if he has made a film for that particular situation  because after that we get topless ladies strung up, bare bottoms flogged, and all manner of perverse behaviour culminating in a climax of utter daftness 'inspired' by Edgar Allan Poe. Jess Franco would be proud, especially at how little sense any of this makes. Everyone else will be scratching their heads. Except Franco (Jess) fans, of course. I still can't quite decide if I liked it or not, but at least now I know that Victorian ladies were in the habit of shaving off their body hair. 

        Ok that's almost it for this time, except that Mrs Probert has concocted this little delicacy, borne of repeated exposure to a certain advert at the cinema plus a love of Amando De Ossorio's Blind Dead films. Would you trust these guys with your money? Or your horse? Until the next time...