Flowers in the Attic (1987)

"Truly Terrible"

Before I get to grips with this review I should probably make it clear that I have not read the V C Andrews source novel even though, back in the early 1980s, you couldn't move in bookshops for the paperback with that die-cut cover and the creepy people staring out from it. No, I haven't read FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC, and nor had I seen the film until now. The opportunity was provided to me because Arrow Films are bringing it out on Blu-ray. It's directed by Jeffrey Bloom, who made BLOOD BEACH (1980) a film about a monster that sucks people down into the sand. It's a lot more believable than what we have on show here.

Buffy, Not-Buffy & Giallo Boy Rehearse Their Most Emotive Scene

Victoria Tennant is happily married and has four children - two boys and two girls. The entire family wears a nauseating amount of pastel colours, presumably as some kind of display of how joyful their life is (or perhaps of the fact that they're all on tranquilisers). Admittedly the little boy does look as if he's about to witness the pre-credits murder in Dario Argento's PROFONDO ROSSO but sadly we're in a very different film here. Victoria's husband dies offscreen and she's informed by two mumbling policemen who don't make it very clear to us if he's dead or not, but presumably they do to her.

Full marks for getting the costumes, the sets and the acting to all match

At this point what she should do, English rose of an actress that she is, is move to a lovely old cottage near a railway line where her children can have adventures saving Russian scientists and helping the local stationmaster find love. But that's THE RAILWAY CHILDREN and this very much isn't, so instead off they all tramp to Louise Fletcher's MASSIVE country house where space is at such a premium that all the kids have to sleep in the same bedroom while Victoria goes off to be flogged. Offscreen. Sorry, fladge fans.

It turns out Mum 'sinned' because Dad was also Uncle (whoops!) and therefore the children are Of Satan, or something. Anyway, because of this terrible thing they have to be kept locked in the attic, are deprived of their pastel shades, and instead acquire makeup that's supposed to make them look increasingly drawn and unhappy while Mum is forced to play the piano for her elderly bedridden father. 

Come Back! The film's still on!

I could go on but I won't, because FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC is truly awful. Dull, bland and insipid, when it starts you could be forgiven for thinking you've put on some awful Wednesday afternoon TV movie from the 1980s (complete with terrible voice over) rather than something I remember getting excited about back in the day because Wes Craven was rumoured to be making it. Everything is too brightly lit, the actors playing the kids are dull, some of the dialogue is truly awful, and there's no attempt at creating any gothic atmosphere at all. 

If you do end up watching it, certainly some fun can be derived from thinking what other directors might have done with the material. Wes Craven would have at least given the teenagers some character, Tim Burton of the era could have given us something gorgeously gothic, but my favourite was the idea of keeping the same awful script and getting John Waters to direct with Divine in the Louise Fletcher role and other Dreamlanders playing the kids. 

One dreads to think who John Waters would have had in the bath

By the end of the film, all I could feel was pity for the leads, all of whom deserved, and have done, much better. I felt sorry for Louise Fletcher, whose role mainly demanded her to repeatedly enter the same room, glare, and say "I'm evil, me" in a variety of differing dialogue, none of which helped provide a rounded character. I felt sorry for Victoria Tennant - even being stabbed in the toilet in INSEMINOID must have been more rewarding than being in this. And I felt especially sorry for Kristy Swanson, who must have angered the gods of Hollywood to such an extent that this was her reward for being in the equally awful DEADLY FRIEND the year before.

 Meddling kids!

If, unlike me, you're a fan of FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC, you'll be pleased to learn that the disc comes bundled with extras. Kat Ellinger is a fan and gives us a fact-packed commentary that includes contextualising it in terms of its place in 1980s horror. There are new interviews with DP Frank Byers, designer John Muto, actor Jeb Stuart Adams and composer Christopher Young. You also get the original ending that was cut by the studio (with commentary), two versions of the script and the usual trailers and reversible sleeve art. 

FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC is out on Blu-ray from Arrow Films on 

Monday 12th March 2018