The Cabin (2013)

Here’s yet another very nice DVD box with a card slipcase and some fine artwork (well done whoever’s responsible - it’s really nice work). You’ll notice the blurb at the top says that THE CABIN is "CABIN IN THE WOODS meets INSIDIOUS". That’s a bold claim for any film to make and so I hope it won’t surprise too many reading this review that THE CABIN (aka BLOODLINE in other territories) isn’t quite the action-packed top quality scarefest that less experienced horror film viewers might take it to be.

It is, however, quite professionally made, which is always something of a relief to discover with these low-budget unknowns. It even has a rather ambitious prologue. In 1779 a group of American settlers end up cursed by the local native Americans’ shaman for killing one of their kind. There’s even authentic-sounding local language with subtitles, some good special effects, and a promise that this is going to turn into a cracking EVIL DEAD-style possession romp in the woods.

Then the film proper starts.

Brett Ethos (Matt Thompson, who also writes and directs and therefore has to shoulder the blame for this one) is about to be ordained into the Catholic Church but decides to have one last trip of mayhem and debauchery at his isolated cabin in the woods - the one his friends have just helped him discover the location of by breaking a picture frame and finding a map and the keys hidden in the back of it.

A couple of girls added to the car later (including Brett’s ex-girlfriend) and we’re off into the woods. So far so good. It’s when they get to the cabin that everything slows right down and nothing really happens for far too long. Exploitation staples like shock, gore, nudity and suspense are sacrificed to allow earnest conversations about relationships and lots of shots of Thompson looking moody. The first couple of deaths occur offscreen, but rather than engendering what one presumes the film-makers hoped would be an atmosphere of subtle suspense, the viewer is left wondering why we couldn’t get to see them. 

      Things do pick up, with members of Brett’s party being picked off by the thing that’s after him because of his settler heritage. There are some nice optical effects, and there’s an attempt at a stinger of an ending, but overall it never feels as if anyone’s heart is really in any of this. It’s a shame because, as I said, the film is very competently made, but it lacks the sense of urgency, the sense of menace and, dare I say it, the style to make it an enjoyable piece of backwoods menace. There are a couple of nice ideas here, but if you’re familiar with CABIN IN THE WOODS and INSIDIOUS you’ll still be better off watching either of those again instead of this. 101 Films presents THE CABIN in its original aspect ratio of 2.35:1. It’s a nice transfer and there are no extras. 

101 Films released THE CABIN on Region 2 DVD on 11th August 2014

Blood Orgy of the She Devils (1973)

It’s time once again to ride the Ted V Mikels roller coaster of rubbish, as 88 Films allows UK trash film enthusiasts to get our brains fried with this little number from 1973. Your tolerance of this one will depend very much on how you got on with previous 88 Films Ted releases THE CORPSE GRINDERS and THE DOLL SQUAD. If you haven’t seen those, you may need your loins girding further before you leap in.

Cue animated swirls, a girl’s eyes and some weird moaning noises as the credits play out. Then we’re witness to what was probably advertised as ‘an exotic satanic ritual’ but isn’t. A man in a nappy is speared by several lovely young things presided over by Mara (Lila Zaborin and pretty terrifying in her own right) and a bloke who looks a bit like Patrick Troughton in a Viking costume. There are some more women with insanely big 1970s hair, a boom mike shadow, and then we’re privy to a plot to assassinate the Rhodesian ambassador to the UN by means of black magic. For some reason these plot machinations cut abruptly to a man strangling a girl to the sound of a cuckoo clock going off. No, I don’t know why, either.

The next day. “Young” couple Mark and Lorraine (Tom Pace and Leslie McRae) discuss “all that occult stuff” while completely ignoring what looks like a dead koala bear that’s presumably fallen out of an aeroplane on its way from Australia and landed on their picnic rug (see above). Mara plunges a doll into the biggest brandy glass ever shown on film and the ambassador chokes to death. The baddies don’t want to leave any loose ends and so everyone at Mara’s castle is shot dead. Mara turns into a cat, brings her servant back to life, and wreaks revenge. The gunman suffers a voodoo death of what looks like a terminal rectal injection of chilli powder followed by an unconvincing fall through a window while his boss gets pins stuck in him.

There are some long conversations about witchcraft and a flashback to “the seventeenth century” where men with 1970s sideburns torture a witch and another is stoned with foam rubber rocks. There’s another ritual, Ted’s LA castle (doubling as Mara’s lair) glows greeny-blue, and some experts are called in to solve the problem. Everyone dies which leads to a fairly grim ending where the experts wander about among the bodies. The End.

BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE DEVILS lasts just under 80 minutes but feels longer. However, there are enough moments of jaw-dropping unintentional mirth that if you’re an enthusiast for the so-bad-it’s-good it’s definitely worth a look. 88 Films’ DVD preserves the original aspect ratio of 1.33:1 and there’s a commentary by Ted as an extra. Otherwise you get a Ted V Mikels special 88 trailer park reel and a very good essay on the movie by Calum Waddell that’s actually worth spending more time on than the film itself. As good a version of one of Ted’s films as you could hope for, trash fans will love it. Just watch out for the falling koala.

88 Films are releasing Ted V Mikels' BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE DEVILS on Region 2 DVD on 18th August 2014.

You Are Not Alone (2011)

Here’s another film with lovely box art and a nice cardboard sleeve, something which is becoming a bit of a warning sign for quality in films I’ve never heard of before. The cover of YOU ARE NOT ALONE is intriguing for two reasons, however. There’s a picture of Glastonbury Tor on the front (the film is indeed set in and around Glastonbury), and the credits boast Mark SLAUGHTER HIGH Ezra as the writer and director. Seeing as I’m a sucker for British horror films, especially ones set locally and from a director with a pedigree in trash cinema, I couldn’t resist this one. 

Also known as HOUSE TRAP and HOUSE SWAP in different territories, Ezra’s movie is a found footage home invasion horror. Personable American couple Matt Powsey (Nathan Nolan) and Ginny Baker (Evie Brodie) move to Glastonbury for creative reasons - he’s writing a screenplay about King Arthur, and she is a composer. They’ve arranged their move by swapping their Californian residence with the Somerset couple who own the house. As soon as they get there strange things start happening. There are weird noises in the night, objects go missing, and for some reason the previous residents have installed security cameras for what they subsequently reveal was a problem with a stalker. 

I won’t say any more in case you fancy watching this yourself. YOU ARE NOT ALONE starts off very well indeed, with an act of casual local violence that will have you wondering if this is going to turn into a Somerset version of STRAW DOGS. It doesn’t but it certainly helps to rack up the suspense straight away. The house in which all the mayhem occurs is a deliciously authentic Tudor mansion, and a dream of a creepy location that Ezra makes the most of. In fact, the first ten minutes of this are a neat summary of why American tourists might be petrified of ever venturing into rural England. The acting is decent and Ezra makes good use of the found footage style to spring a few genuinely suspenseful shocks during the running time. Don’t be expecting a classic, however. The pace is sluggish at times, which is a shame because, with a little more incident, YOU ARE NOT ALONE could have been a halfway decent little thriller. As it is it’s not at all bad. Sadly, the film can’t quite overcome that old bugbear of this genre - the need to carry a camera everywhere to document what’s happening - and it’s begging for more of a punchy ending. As it is, the killer’s lair is pleasingly twisted and there’s obviously a bit of inspiration here from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2.

         There are no extras, which is a shame as I wouldn’t have minded a featurette on the making of it, but otherwise YOU ARE NOT ALONE is actually a reasonably well made micro budget effort with some decent scares and a genuine sense of uneasiness. 

Mark Ezra's YOU ARE NOT ALONE is out on Region 2 DVD from 101 Films. 

The Toxic Avenger (1984)

First up a confession: until previewing this sparkling new 88 Films Blu-ray, I had never seen a Troma film. Critically reviled during the 1980s and 90s, and usually released in the UK in severely truncated forms, it just didn’t seem sensible to watch terrible movies with all the best bits taken out. So Troma passed me by, the delights of SERGEANT KABUKIMAN NYPD and RABID GRANNIES (although they only released that one) consigned to the file marked ‘when I have the time’.

The time would appear to be now, helped immensely by the release of the first in Troma’s flagship TOXIC AVENGER franchise uncut and with a wealth of extras. Was it worth the wait? For me I have to answer with a resounding yes. How appealing you will find it will depend very much on your sense of humour.

At a health club in Tromaville, the ‘Toxic Chemical Capital of the World’, nerdy janitor Melvin (Mark Torgl) upsets the local beefcakes and their girlfriends and a prank is plotted. Seeing as their leader Bozo’s hobbies include running children over while he swigs from a Jack Daniels bottle filled with what suspiciously looks like orange squash it’s not going to end well. A lorry loaded with open canisters of toxic waste stops outside the gym so its driver and his pal can fill their noses with cocaine. Melvin, tricked into wearing a tutu and cuddling a sheep wearing a bra, ends up falling from the building and landing in the glowing green goop. A quick bath later and Melvin metamorphoses into the titular hero.

It’s not long before Toxie is cleaning up the streets, killing bearded drug-trafficking transvestites, armed robbers who look like Lionel Richie crossed with Adam Ant, and getting a blind girlfriend with whom he sets up home at the local toxic waste dump. The local mayor, a serious contender for fattest movie character ever, is in on all the local crime rackets and wants Toxie stopped. The National Guard is called in (where the hell did Troma get all those tanks from?) and the scene is set for a showdown outside Toxie’s tent.

Cheerfully tasteless and never, ever boring, THE TOXIC AVENGER feels like what would happen if John Waters was asked to direct a super-hero film. The entire movie has a consistent, weird, almost dayglo style, with bizarre acting to match. I’m sure Troma supremo Lloyd Kaufman would be delighted to hear that the opening scenes reminded me of Beckett or Pinter in the off-kilter weirdness of the performances. Like I said above, whether or not you’ll enjoy this will depend on whether or not you find all of this funny, and I hope the stills I’ve included here will help. I can honestly say I haven’t cried with laughter so much since previewing Bob Clark’s PORKY’S. Troma may have had a bad press, and they certainly don’t make movies that could be considered ‘good’, but the makers of a lot of the hand-held direct to DVD rubbish that some companies have the nerve to release could learn a lot from this bouncy little company.

There are a load of extras, most of which seem to have been ported over from previous US releases of the film. I’m not going to go through them all here, but I would suggest you watch at least the introduction to the slightly longer Japanese cut (also on the disc and not as good quality) where the dialogue has been translated into Japanese subtitles and then translated back into extra English subtitles that are also provided. Otherwise there’s lots of Lloyd Kaufman (commentary, introductions, him living in a cardboard box), a Troma studio tour and featurettes on Toxie as well as lots more.

I have to take my hat off to Troma - they may make rubbish but it’s hugely enthusiastic rubbish and Kaufman (whom I presume must be independently wealthy as I can’t imagine anyone giving him money for this stuff) enters into the spirit of things wholeheartedly. THE TOXIC AVENGER is stupid, silly and tasteless. It’s also hilarious and rattlingly entertaining. Congratulations to the always-reliable 88 Films for bring THE TOXIC AVENGER to our shores in a fantastic Blu-ray transfer that must be the best this film has ever looked, and with all the extras you could ever want. 

88 Films are releasing Troma's THE TOXIC AVENGER on standard Blu-ray (picture at the top) steelbook (picture near the bottom) and HMV exclusive (card sleeve with new artwork - picture at the bottom) on 18th August 2014. Grab whichever version you can.

The Changes (1975)

A long sought after classic from the golden age of British children’s television doesn’t disappoint, as the BFI brings to DVD this ten episode series from 1975. I stress ‘doesn’t disappoint’ because nostalgia can be a funny thing, and rose-tinted memories from nearly forty years ago can by brutally shattered by the miracles of modern technology making such material available again for examination. The only time I watched THE CHANGES was on its original broadcast (I would have been seven years old) so I was concerned it might not be deserving of the near-mythic status it has subsequently attained. I needn’t have worried.

In the UK of 1975 Something Weird happens - a combination of freak weather conditions and a peculiar, alien sound -  that causes people to destroy all machinery, from bicycles to locomotives, household gadgets to entire factories. Teenager Nicky Gore (Victoria Williams) gets separated from her parents when her family decides to escape to France, and the rest of the series details her adventures as she passes through a changed and broken Britain. 

THE CHANGES was one of a number of excellent television series made in the mid-1970s (many of them by HTV’s South West division, although the BBC, who produced this, had their fair share too). They tended to depict well-spoken older children exhibiting remarkable resilience and coping skills while under duress, and subsequently were remembered with extreme fondness by those of a certain age. As the comedian Stewart Lee quite rightly observed a few years ago, if you were a lonely teenager in the 1970s this sort of television was just what you needed, as opposed to more modern-day teen-orientated fare such as SKINS (2007 onwards) which seem designed to make alienated children feel even more so. 

The palpable sense of anarchy and impending apocalypse in the first episode of THE CHANGES scared the hell out of me as a child, and I was pleased to discover that it’s still capable of raising a shiver of Peter Watkins proportions. Of course, I’m now old enough to appreciate that the scenes of mass destruction at the beginning are actually stock footage intercut with, of all things, a few scenes from Hammer’s QUATERMASS & THE PIT, but even that feels like a nice touch. After the opener the series quickly calms down and becomes a fine example of mid-1970s pastoral post-apocalyptic SF. To be honest, no-one would have imagined post-apocalyptic 1970s Britain to look much different from normal 1970s Britain, and so that’s pretty much what we get here - isolated villages and farms filled with suspicious (and increasingly  superstitious) locals. 

THE CHANGES is very much John Wyndham by way of Alan Garner. The three books on which the series was based were written by Peter Dickinson, who never achieved quite the popularity of Garner, but certainly wrote a trilogy worthy of the treatment it receives here. The pace is quite leisurely, allowing the Sikh community Nicky finds herself travelling with to have an enjoyable SEVEN SAMURAI-style adventure, and as well as there being a pleasingly strong anti-racism vibe (the ITV sitcom LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR was still hugely popular at the time) there is also an anti-misogynist and anti-religious fundamentalist tone to the proceedings that’s obvious while never feeling preachy. 

So, if you are still in any doubt, THE CHANGES is excellent - ten half-hour episodes of 1970s BritSF at its best. Hugely ambitious - all shot in colour and on film, with a big cast, large-scale scenes of conflict and devastation, and excellent, pretty much wall-to-wall, location work.  Fans of the era will delight in spotting familiar faces like Edward Brayshaw (Harold Meaker from RENTAGHOST), Jack Watson from Pete Walker’s SCHIZO (1976), Zuleika Robson from Sidney Hayers’ REVENGE (1971) and dear old Roy Evans from every British horror film ever. The only extra is a short film about Asians adjusting to life in 1980s Britain, but there is a very nice booklet with writing about the show, including a contribution by Paddy Kingsland who wrote the music and went on to work on THE HITCH-HIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. Highly recommended.

The BFI is bringing out Peter Dickinson's THE CHANGES on a Region 2 double-disc DVD set on 25th August 2014

Werewolf Rising (2014)

Horror cinema, like evolution, sometimes takes a retrograde step. As certain insects have lost their hind-pairs of wings or dolphins have returned to the sea, so this beloved genre of ours sometimes seems to be careering backwards to a time in the 1950s, when US Drive-In audiences were ‘treated’ to such Roger Corman-produced low budget fare as CREATURE FROM THE HAUNTED SEA and THE WASP WOMAN. These were movies that consisted of about an hour of nothing much happening at all, filmed in a static way with stilted dialogue and a tremendous sense of ‘Please Get ON With It’, intercut occasionally with shots of a cheap-looking monster or a girl in her underwear. They also tended to have great posters, the equivalent of which today is the eye-catching DVD box cover (see above for an example - fantastic, isn't it?)

      WEREWOLF RISING eschews the exposure of attractive female flesh (on the whole) for a nifty-looking werewolf that we get to see flashes of, but otherwise the result is much the same as all those bottom of the barrel 1950s movies, as well as much of the other product / rubbish currently in release from the Image Entertainment / RLJ stable. What you actually get for your money is a micro-budget, amateurish production with occasional flares of competence that one suspects had more spent on its advertising campaign than on the film itself. 

      Ex-alcoholic Emma (Melissa Carnell) returns to her Arkansas country shack after a period in rehab. She befriends Johnny Lee (Matt Copko) who, when he’s not sleeping on the floor next to his collection of beer cans is trying to impress her on his sit-on lawnmower. Emma’s other friend is Uncle Wayne (Brian Berry) a fat paedophile with a drink problem who brings wine to dinner and tries to get off with Emma in her kitchen, a place which seems to have been decorated by a chicken-obsessed madman. 

      A werewolf is terrorising the local area (as we’ve witnessed in the prologue). Johnny gets bitten and undergoes a CGI transformation. In what is possibly a werewolf movie first, he pays a naked visit to the laundrette afterwards to get his clothes washed.

Things reach a climax as Emma gets terrorised in her cabin and it all gets pleasingly mental and bloodstained for a bit, but by the resolution I still couldn’t work out who the werewolf we see at the beginning was meant to be.

      WEREWOLF RISING does have a few nice moments - the opening sweeping views of the forbidding, wintry landscape are excellent, and every now and then there are shots during the cabin terrorisation bits that show some nicely backlit scary werewolf shapes. On the whole, however, this is on a par with other Image releases like BLOODY HOMECOMING and THE INVOKING in terms of being, well, really not very good. While I hate to do micro-budget projects like this down, it’s difficult to find much to recommend here, and it was difficult to resist the urge to fast forward through much of its 77 minute running time. For serious werewolf completists only.

Image Entertainment are releasing WEREWOLF RISING on Region 2 DVD on the 22nd September 2014

Sharknado 2 - The Second One (2014)

From the people who can’t spell Sci Fi comes the film everyone knew was a dread inevitability. SF movie sequels tend to follow a strict formula of being bigger, noisier and more spectacular. It will therefore come as no surprise to anyone exhibiting an interest in this that SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE is even stupider than the first.

At the start of this one a CGI plane, piloted by AIRPLANE’s Robert Hays on which original SHARKNADO stars Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are travelling to New York, is beset by the toothy-bitey-fishy-infested whirlwind of the title. No sooner has stewardess Kelly Osbourne had her head bitten off than Tara’s lost a hand and gained a vendetta. Somehow the plane manages to land. “I’ve seen worse,” says Robert Hays, but we’re not sure if we have. Not yet, anyway.

Twin sharknados are threatening New York! Regular updates on news and weather stations allow for lazy writing but much hilarity, especially with the weatherman who quickly becomes a serious contender for best actor in the film (if anyone would want that claim). Jaw-dropping scenes of poorly animated sharks attacking the big apple abound while Judd Hirsch drives people around in his taxi (ho ho) and we all wonder when Tara Reid’s going to turn up again. When she does it’s with a quite remarkable limb attachment of either startling originality or utter desperation. Watch the Statue of Liberty’s head roll down the street! Watch out for an occasional hammerhead shark from an especially bored animator! (Assuming they had more than one). Wonder how bad things must have got for stars like Kari Wuhrer for her to have to be in stuff like this after the heights of ANACONDA and EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS.

It’s hard to know whether SHARKNADO 2 represents a new nadir for movie-making or the zenith of an entirely different entertainment form altogether. I will freely admit that I could not stop watching it, but rather than for the thrills and fun of a good old Roger Corman-style monsterfest, it was more because of the  unbelievable bravado of those involved in its making. The sheer sense of ‘anything goes’, the lack of sense of any kind, the minimal attempts at believable special effects all make SHARKNADO 2 the kind of film that deserves to live nowhere else but at the bottom of a CornFlake packet, a free gift to be tipped out, toyed with when there’s nothing better to do, and then forgotten.

That won’t happen though, at least not if the SyFy (I still hate that spelling) Channel has anything to do with it.

SHARKNADO 3 has been announced.