Tuesday, 5 March 2019

Cannibal Terror (1980)

"Cannibal Terrible"

Which, of course, should be read as a recommendation. If there were award ceremonies for trashiest, daftest Eurorubbish of all time, then French company Eurocine, responsible for CANNIBAL TERROR and so many other acts of celluloid atrocity, would no doubt have picked up several lifetime achievement gongs by now.

Cultural Appropriation?
And CANNIBAL TERROR (Onscreen title card TERREUR CANNIBALE for those who need to know) really is awful. Described by someone as THE ROOM of the cannibal subgenre, it has to be said they're not far wrong. Like Tommy Wiseau's thoroughly entertaining magnum opus horrificus, CANNIBAL TERROR is filled with awful acting, scenes that make no sense, and a flagrant disregard for any attempt at realism. Oh, and parrots. Play the drinking game with parrots & you'll be on the floor by halfway through.

Guitar solo with gratuitous parrot placement
The 'plot' involves three ne'er-do-wells kidnapping the young daughter of a wealthy garage owner. They plan to ransom her, but something goes hilariously wrong as their contact displays a remarkable inability to cross an almost empty city street, and they end up having to hide out in the jungles of what looks like (and in fact is) Alicante. 

A severed head! That blinks!
The Alicante jungle has cannibals! And they're brilliant, less resembling natives who have spent their entire lives communing with nature and more some bizarre unseen footage of Mungo Jerry at Woodstock, sporting massive sideburns or absurd wigs.

Woodstock or Alicante Cannibal? You decide.
The jungle also has people who stare off into space before speaking, almost as if they're trying to remember their dialogue, a poor girl (Jess Franco alumnus Pamela Stanford) who has to take the most awkward-looking bath in a barrel I have ever seen,  and a hippy with a gun who just happens to be wandering around (more Woodstock footage?).

What IS that? 
But that's not all! Oh no, as well as the absurdly prolonged scenes of entrail fondling, that awful three-note title music, and the worst folded paper model of a cat (I think) in motion picture history, the piĆ©ce-de-crapness par excellence is saved for the end when, at the cannibal's village, we can quite plainly see through the trees the Alicante ring road filled with traffic. Twice. 

The slings and arrows of an outrageously rubbish film
Extras include a deleted scene (I had to watch it and yes it's more added daftness) and a trailer. An excellent dessert to follow the main course of tripe you've just seen is the 47 minute documentary That's Not The Amazon! which charts the rough and ready history of the Eurocine cannibal movie (yes there's more than one) featuring interviews with actor Antonio Wayans and genre luminaries Calum Waddell, Allan Bryce and John Martin, who seems to be going all out to win the Best Shirt in a DVD Extra Award for this year (and indeed every year). 

Eurocine masterpiece or a scene from The Two Ronnies? 
CANNIBAL TERROR is unmissable in its awfulness, a true feast for enthusiasts of bad film. 88 Films are bringing it out on UK Blu-ray. You have been warned. 
Eurocine's CANNIBAL TERROR is out on UK Blu-ray on Monday 11th March 2019

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