My God what am I doing reviewing this one? It’s awful, a
true car crash of a movie that one finds it difficult to believe anyone would
sit through once, and I’ve seen it at least three times, including once as part
of a Joan Collins double bill with Gerry O’Hara’s THE BITCH (and that’s the
only time you’ll see mention of that on here, especially as I couldn’t make it
to the end of that particular low-rent disco-filled load of soap-opera
silliness without nodding off and I’m definitely not going to watch it again). But I digress…
I DON’T WANT TO BE BORN was known as THE DEVIL WITHIN HER in
the US and as
the UK poster really
wasn’t very good I thought I’d put up its stateside equivalent. The UK video
release goes under the title of THE MONSTER, but whatever it would prefer to be
called it really is a special film, and probably the only chance you’ll get to
see what might happen if a bunch of 1970s BritHorror actors were to be cast
in an Italian demonic possession movie that tried to rip off THE OMEN before
it had even been released (which is probably partly why it doesn’t bear much
resemblance to it.). Part of the reason is that this was a British-Italian
coproduction, with Rank really not knowing what it was getting itself into
doing a deal with Italian producer Nato de Angeles who also came up with the
original story, which is presumably why some of the characters are Italian.
And ‘original’ is certainly being kind to the string of
events we get to see. Attempting some sort of chronological order (there are
quite a few flashbacks) Joan Collins is a stripper who gets cursed by a dwarf
whose advances she spurns. Before you can say ‘that’s a bit tasteless even for
1975’ she’s giving birth unconvincingly in the presence of children’s TV star
Floella Benjamin and Donald Pleasance, looking as if he wishes he could be
anywhere else but in this film with every single line of dialogue he utters.
“This one doesn’t want to be born” says Donald as Ron Grainer’s hideously
sleazy but catchy 1970s theme music kicks in to herald the main titles. Mr
Grainer came up with some fine TV themes including Dr Who, The Prisoner, and
Tales Of The Unexpected, but he never really achieved success in the movies
which on the basis of this isn’t surprising (his score to THE OMEGA MAN is
quite a bit better but still nothing too special). Where were we? Oh yes – Joan
is married to Gino Carlesi played by Ralph Bates sporting an unconvincing
Italian accent. Gino’s sister is a nun who seems to spend most of her time at a convent
where she has a laboratory where she carries out animal experimentation. This
has absolutely nothing to do with the film and one can only presume there was
some animal research facility going free that day in which to film a few
scenes. Eileen Atkins plays the role as…well…someone in an Italian horror film,
which is the note everyone seems to take. Perhaps director Peter Sasdy (that’s
Peter Sasdy – HANDS OF THE RIPPER and THE STONE TAPE Peter Sasdy) got them all
to watch a badly dubbed Sergio Martino picture and said “You see? THAT’S what I
want.”
Joan’s baby possesses such superhuman strength that when it
isn’t happy gurgling in its pram it’s whacking babysitter Janet Key over the
head, cutting off Donald Pleasance’s head with a shovel (you can almost feel
the relief ebbing through the screen as he realises he’s finally off the
picture) and murdering his way through most of the cast. It all ends very very
stupidly indeed with an exorcism scene intercut with a slow motion dwarf death
at the strip club. Say what you like but I don’t think there has been an ending
like this before or since in cinema history. Before that we are treated to the
Italian horror standbys of obvious dubbing (Caroline Munro and John Steiner), gratuitous
and unnecessary nudity and a totally bizarre and out of left field dream
sequence featuring Joan being threatened by a bloodstained John Steiner and
Ralph Bates dressed up as a dead nun. Be assured - I DON’T WANT TO BE BORN is a
truly awful film, and it probably goes without saying that I enjoyed it more on
my third viewing than on the previous two.
Go on…you
know you want to, and here's the grim gloomy UK poster, mad dwarf and all, to round off the experience.
Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteThanks Craig - my pleasure!
ReplyDeleteJLP
Ah, one i've seen lots of times! It probably is fully deserving of it's "reputation" - indefensible on just about every level, and there's a pall of gloom hanging over the entire enterprise, Even Ralph seems to give up in dismay long before the evil infant puts him out of his misery. But despite myself, i can't help but revel in every sorry, sordid moment. The drowning of the nanny - shoved into the lake by the tiny hand of possessed toddler - Hercules' heart attack (the first time the strip club clientèle can say they've had their money's worth) and Ralph's turn as the dead nun make up for so, so much that has gone before.
ReplyDeleteFor such a terrible film this review has received a surprising amount of attention today, which is rather marvellous, really
ReplyDeleteThe BBC's film buying department for the last few decades has seemed to consist of a bored teenager mindlessly re-booking the same handful of films.
ReplyDeleteFor some bizarre reason (blackmail, bribery?) this film is one of the few British horror films on the list. Consequently it has been on maybe twice a year virtually since it was made while far more interesting, and even more famous, classic stuff is completely neglected and hasn't been screened since the 80s.
Maybe that's the reason for the traffic - this is one of the few films of its type many UK TV viewers will have seen.
Seriously, there is a welcome new-ish film channel here called Talking Pictures which screens more decent classic and obscure films in a couple of days than the BBCs three main channels manage in a year.