The Bloodstained Bulletin No.1

Many years ago I used to write a column entitled The Bloodstained Balcony, so named because I always used to buy a ticket to sit up on the balcony at the old Coliseum Cinema in Abergavenny when I was little. There's so much happening in the world of weird cinema at the moment I thought the best way to cover some of it would be in the form of a regular online summary / column / magazine type thing instead of just formal reviews. So here's the first, with the title adjusted accordingly. Will there be a second? That'll be up to me (and the world of horror and the weird and etc etc etc). But never mind that - here's what I've been watching over the last week or so:

On the Big Screen

The Meg

        Oh dear oh dear. I so wanted this to be good, and it wasn't. Then I so wanted this to be bad, and it wasn't that either. Because, I am sorry to report, THE MEG is just bland. As in Stephen Sommers directing an episode of NCIS bland. In some films I can see the acting, in some I can see the directing. In THE MEG all I could see were the committee meetings between the film's Chinese and American co-financiers and the screenwriters. One of them probably went a bit like this:

Money People: There must be no inter-racial kissing. No gory violence. No swearing. 

Writers: (Crossing out a lot of Jason Statham's dialogue) Er...ok.

Money People. Right, now, we've got a fat guy - can we make him quirky yet capable? And that girl with the tattoos, we need to make her quirky but capable too. And make sure the cast is multi ethnic to cover all the demographics, but they all need to be quirky and capable. Oh, and witty as well, especially in the face of seeing their friends all dead. They absolutely should not be mortified at seeing someone they've worked with for some time dead and chewed up by the monster shark. Including the little girl. She should act more maturely than any of them. Because kids like that are fun and appealing. We think.

Writers: Er, actually we're not up to writing different kinds of quirky dialogue for that many different characters.

Money People: So make them all the same! No-one will notice. Oh, and by the way, have you found out what side the liver is on in a human yet?

Writers: Er...no. But we promise we will.

Well it turns out they didn't, and the poor old glamorous submarine pilot gets a screwdriver in her left loin that according to the script, narrowly misses an organ that normally resides on the other side of the body.

Speechless

What else? Well there's Jason Statham, of course, who is set up at the beginning of the picture to be some kind of Captain Ahab character. You hope instead of a Great White Whale he's going to keep ranting about 'That Fuckin' Massive Fuck Off Shark' but it quickly turns out that THE MEG is all far too family friendly for that. And that's the biggest problem with it. It should be PIRANHA 3D with a shark but instead it...isn't.

But what do I know? THE MEG did terrific business on its opening weekend. However, if you're looking for something that isn't the cinematic equivalent of a bowl of rice with nothing else added then beware. 

So what else is on at UK cinemas at the moment? Oh, there's this of course:

Unfriended: Dark Web

        Did we need another of these? Well, UNFRIENDED and FRIEND REQUEST were actually both pretty good supernatural revenge horrors that made good use of modern social media. DARK WEB uses the same setup as the original UNFRIENDED (the cinema screen is a computer screen) but turns out ultimately to be far less ambitious and far less believable. 
        Going the old torture porn route but without the gore, which would at least have given this one a bit of a punch, you don't need to worry too much about catching up with this one unless you're a completist. Too much of the ending can be guessed by the end of the first act. Also, our cinema did us the extra dirty of screening this 1.85:1 aspect ratio movie in 2.35:1 (thanks Showcase!). Reimbursements occurred at the end.

Okay, onto the first of the regular features. The title may not be permanent but right now it's time for:

Compost Corner

        In which I revisit (or recycle for the purposes of a truly terrible joke that's a tip of the hat to TISWAS) some old classic movies. Sometimes I'm going to need quotation marks around the word classic but this time I don't. Because today I'm asking:

THE HOWLING - Which steelbook to buy?

        I love steelbooks & I've been steadily collecting them for movies I have particular affection for. So when I learned that Shout Factory was bringing out a steelbook of their Region A Blu-ray of Joe Dante's THE HOWLING I was sorely tempted. Here's what it looks like:

        But I already had the standard issue Scream Factory disc. What I didn't own, though, was the Region B Studio Canal release, apparently taken from a different scan. I thought it unlikely there was a steelbook of the UK version but goodness me I was wrong! Here it is:

        So which is the one to own if you're thinking of forking out? Well, the UK Blu-Ray actually looks a little better in terms of transfer than than the US. Colours are fuller, more vivid and the film looks more vibrant on the whole. As for the extras, here's what you get with each disc:

Shout Factory Region A

Audio Commentary With Director Joe Dante And Actors Dee Wallace, Christopher Stone and Robert Picardo

Audio Commentary with Author Gary Brandner 

Howlings Eternal with Producer Steven A. Lane

Cut to Shreds with Editor Mark Goldblatt

Interview with Co-writer Terence Winkless

Horror’s Hallowed Grounds: A Look at the Film’s Locations

Making Of A Monster Movie: Inside The Howling Documentary

Interview with Stop-Motion Animator David Allen

Unleashing the Beast: The Making Of The Howling Multi-part Documentary

Deleted Scenes 

Outtakes

Photo Gallery

Theatrical Trailers

Studio Canal Region B

Howlings Eternal with Producer Steven A. Lane

Cut to Shreds with Editor Mark Goldblatt

Interview with Co-writer Terence Winkless

Horror’s Hallowed Grounds: A Look at the Film’s Locations

Interview with Stop-Motion Animator David Allen

Audio Commentary with Author Gary Brandner

So there you go - far more extras on the US region A release (no surprise there) but a slightly better transfer and, I think, a nicer-looking steelbook for the UK release. 

Ok, that's enough of the good stuff. It's time to visit:

The Shit Shed

How could I possibly write a column / magazine type thing without profiling some complete rubbish? This time it's this, which is on sale in HMV at the moment and (probably) isn't worth your time. But then again, depending on your tastes, maybe it is... This week the film squatting in the Shit Shed is:

The Institute

"Franco, the second of his name"

After Jess, that is. Here's a load of pervy old nonsense co-directed by James Franco, he of last year's rather splendid THE DISASTER ARTIST. Here, though, he seems to be trying to make his own terrible film.

Or is he...?

It starts off like this...

THE INSTITUTE is purportedly 'based on real events'. Which it isn't. What it is is a film that exploits a situation that actually took place (a hospital for the treatment of women suffering from 'psychiatric conditions' actually being a front for human trafficking) and uses it as an excuse for a bit of good old fashioned murder and mayhem spiced up with nudity. 

..but then goes all like this! 

Not that you would expect it from the first thirty minutes or so. Perhaps Mr Franco (James) grew up in a household where his mum watched the opening half an hour of a film to 'make sure it was suitable' before going to bed. It certainly seems as if he has made a film for that particular situation  because after that we get topless ladies strung up, bare bottoms flogged, and all manner of perverse behaviour culminating in a climax of utter daftness 'inspired' by Edgar Allan Poe. Jess Franco would be proud, especially at how little sense any of this makes. Everyone else will be scratching their heads. Except Franco (Jess) fans, of course. I still can't quite decide if I liked it or not, but at least now I know that Victorian ladies were in the habit of shaving off their body hair. 

        Ok that's almost it for this time, except that Mrs Probert has concocted this little delicacy, borne of repeated exposure to a certain advert at the cinema plus a love of Amando De Ossorio's Blind Dead films. Would you trust these guys with your money? Or your horse? Until the next time...