Monday, 16 December 2013

Beach Babes 2: Cave Girl Island (1996)

Those kind chaps at 88 Films have sent me a batch of movies to review, and this one happened to be on the top of the pile. Rather than go with my instincts and immediately move it to the bottom in the hope it might have crumbled to dust by the time I finally got round to watching it, I decided to grasp the nettle of rubbish cinema with both hands and subject myself to something I suspected even I would be unable to find any real worth in.
Having missed the no doubt complex storyline of BEACH BABES PART 1 that hopefully sets up the situation we find ourselves thrust into in this sequel, I must admit to having found myself a little lost at the beginning of the film. It would seem that three young ladies hailing from a very warm planet where any kind of practical clothing must be illegal have jammed themselves into the tiniest spaceship imaginable and are now zooming across space in a riot of awful special effects of the flying biscuit tin and black backcloth variety.
      They crash land on a beach and one of their number ends up in a jungle with all her clothes having fallen off. She encounters a helpful native gentleman whose race has developed no further than the loincloth, the straw hut, and the side buckled beach sandal. It takes him a long while to find her something to wear, and even longer if you don’t fast forward through the interminable softcore scene that ensues. This is presuming, of course, that as a sophisticated viewer of such material you have chosen the ‘unrated’ option from the menu. I suspect the ‘R-rated’ version of this little opus is even shorter than the uncut version’s 76 minutes but I must confess I have little desire to watch this a second time in any version at all.
The two girls still at the biscuit tin spaceship rescue their ghetto blaster from it and enjoy an impromptu and appallingly choreographed dance on the beach. Then it's off to discover a village of catatonic cave girls whom they cure with the medicine of awful 1990s disco. 
Meanwhile a man sitting in a cave and wearing a black beret is busy trying to find a ways to capture our heroines. He’s already subjected them to a minute or so of footage of stop motion dinosaurs from another film that for some mysterious reason was considered sufficiently representative of BEACH BABES 2 to be included almost in its entirety as the film's trailer. 
Beret man soon has the girls in his big cage. Then he has some rather muscular gentlemen in his cage as well. But they all manage to escape and dance and then fly away in their biscuit tin spaceship. When it lands again you can see the Hollywood sign in the background, as well as a number of people’s houses. I have no idea if this was intentional or not.
           BEACH BABES 2: CAVE GIRL ISLAND really doesn’t deserve a review as long as this. Despite its very short running time it’s padded out with a number of softcore sex scenes that will either have you reaching for the fast forward button if you’re older, the pause and rewind button if you’re younger, or the slow frame advance button if you really, really don’t get out at all ever. The stop motion dinosaurs are very sweet but, like I said, you can see them in the trailer. 88 Films’ DVD has the film in 1.33:1. I have no idea if any other ratio exists and I suspect no-one else is that bothered. The disc also has a whole batch of trailers for films of equal or even greater trashiness which is actually more worth the price of admission than the film. If there are many more like these in the stack of discs sitting on my desk I suspect my ‘Trapped in the Room With It’ Section is just about to get a whole lot larger. Oh, and illustrations to accompany this review have been limited to the DVD box cover art as anything else would be inappropriate on the grounds of taste, decency, and the fact that they are unlikely to make you want to watch this film any more than what I've already said.

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